The Savage Side of Seeking Liberation

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Although savage and liberation create total opposite scenery for your imagination, they are connected and cannot exist without the other.

written by queneisha j. harvey
@queneishajharvey
miami, fl

 

LIBERATION - THE ACT OF SETTING SOMEONE FREE FROM IMPRISONMENT, SLAVERY, OR OPPRESSION; RELEASE. FREEDOM FROM LIMITS ON THOUGHT OR BEHAVIOR.

The sound of liberation rolls off the tongue so smoothly when you say it aloud, le-ber-ay-chun. When you close your eyes and say it, you automatically envision something victorious. Similar to standing on top of a mountain gazing down at every obstacle that tried to hinder your climb. When you hear the word liberation, it automatically uplifts and makes you feel free.

It is hard to believe that a beautifully constructed word with such a powerful meaning could ever be in connection to a word as cut-throat as savage. When you say the word "savage," your imagination might go to visions of BlacChyna stealing Rob's Eggos and leaving in the middle of the night with baby Dream.

See the different emotions the two words evoke?

Although savage and liberation create total opposite scenery for your imagination, they are connected and cannot exist without the other.

This is the unavoidable truth about the pursuit of becoming liberated and in-tuned with yourself. In fact, seeking a genuinely liberated state will open the door to all kinds of savagery.


One day I woke up and didn't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror. I wasn't disheveled or anything. I had just finished applying mascara when I stopped to look at myself and thought, "Who the hell are you?" I mean you look good and all, you used to be a little fuller in the face, but who the hell are you?


That was the morning I decided I would do whatever necessary to answer that question for myself without the input from anyone. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I really didn't know what to expect, but I never imagined that I had to prepare myself for the savage run-ins. Not the savagery connected to bitterness or sweet revenge. It was more like an internal fight, virtually the grunt work no one talks about. So, there I was with my pretty signature on the signed line, I even dotted the "i" in my name with a heart, ready to embark on this new journey of self.

I left without warning and for some, without a trace. Honestly, I thought that would be the hardest thing I had to do. Little did I know, that was just an essential prerequisite before the actual adventure even began.

Through this process, I've encountered many lessons that I like to refer to as the "savage side of seeking liberation" or self. To know yourself is true liberation. I want to clear up the misconception that the journey is glamorous. The truth is, pursuing liberation is gritty, grimy, and to be direct, it gives no fucks.


Here is a brief recap of the savagery to be expected:


YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ALL HAVE A NAME, IT WILL BE PEOPLE YOU KNOW.


First, I decided to get to the root of all the negative thoughts I believed about myself. I wanted to discover what or who was the source. I sat with myself and started dissecting those negative beliefs. During this process, you have to be completely open to discovering the truth and most importantly, ready to forgive. This is a complicated process because you still might be linked or associated with the people these thoughts originated from. Trust me, this is not the time to pull out the boxing gloves even though you may be tempted too. You will find peace knowing that those thoughts are only a reflection of the messenger and how you choose to continue the relationship is solely up to you.

Now that you know those thoughts are far from facts, you can release them.


YOU WILL DISCOVER YOU ARE MORE INSECURE THAN YOU THINK, THIS IS NORMAL.

No one wants to admit that they deal with insecurities.

"Hi, my name is Queneisha, and I actually feel really inadequate standing next to you. Love your shoes by the way!"

Who wants to introduce themselves like this in a room full of people? Damn, sure not me. We've all been programmed to multitask. Our brain can think one thing, but our mouth can say something else.


The art of masking.

I think you can find some comfort in knowing while you're introducing yourself, the person across from you is thinking about their own insecurities. You can spend years learning to mask, or you can divorce the idea that people are worried about where you fall short. The divorce is not easy, but it's necessary. Like a partner not ready to let go, it will visit you frequently trying to convince you to stay. I think it's safe to say you've outgrown each other and you should definitely move on.

PEOPLE WON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR TRANSITION AND MORE THAN LIKELY WANT NO PARTS IN IT.

Be prepared for those "you've changed" vibes or for people to have no interest in your transition. After all, you're doing what's best for you and those who really matter will want to revel in that bravery with you. Relationship dynamics will change, you may feel some resentment or disappointment. You may even try to kick into third gear to prove you're still the same. That won't last long because you absolutely didn't do all that work to stay the same. Eventually, that yearning will fade.


Accepting that people will serve you for different reasons will make it a lot easier for you. Besides, not all will be ready to receive you when you're whole because it was your brokenness that attracted them to you in the first place. This is savage lesson 101.


Nothing great can be built overnight. The same goes for rebuilding, and you are no exception. Be ready to feel alone, be prepared to lose and gain along the way, get excited about marveling at the person in the mirror. Remember, there is no finish line or final decisions that you have to stick with.


Once you get the hang of this newfound journey, you will begin to appreciate the growth and the savagery you've overcome.